Ok, so I hopped in a cab on 34th & 8th Ave in front of Madison Square Garden.. actaully I didn’t just hop in, the hack fuck rolled down the window and asked where I was goin first (illegal). I was only going up to 75th & Broadway. Had I needed to go home to the BRONX he would have rolled the window back up and bounced dumb quick. But being a Black Man in Manhattan and seeing that it was cold as FUCK and pouring outside I just let it slide and got in.

Every cab has the driver’s identification posted in the window of the back seat and it states the driver’s name and license info. 1,000% of NYC cab drivers are foreign cats from all corners of the globe. This dude was from somewhere, who knows. All I know is his name was Phat Ho….. PHAT HO FAM!! Hahahaha

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EPISODE #147

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Which one of you Disorderlies is gonna bust Octomom?

So I’m sitting here listening to Diamond D….”Sally Got a One Track Mind” to be specific. The news is on in the background and the reporters are hounding Octomom. Boom! Octomom Got a One Track Mind!!!! It’s very fitting as she really does have a one track mind when it comes to spitting out kids, right? The common questions being asked in the media are: Is she going to depend on the state to help take care all those damn kids? Is she going to do that video for Vivid? Is she going to get smoked by the religious knuckleheads sending her death threats? Where did she get the money to cop that house? Is she mentally stable? These are all valid questions…but they’re also irrelevant to a certain segment of the population. Check.

The real questions that need to be asked…which East LA dude is gonna be the next to hit? Like, Octomom is a broke man’s Angelina Jolie for sure…and if you think fourteen kids can scare off a dude on a creep mission…pft..yeah right. My uncle John has twenty something kids…you think he was scared off by fourteen kids? So, which one of you slimey ass, Johnny Whore ass, Who’s the Mack ass rappers is gonna creep on Octomom? I’m guessing it’s going to be some down on his luck ass home care worker who is over there changing diapers when the he sees Octo swoop down the stairs in a donated gown. You know the deal. It’s gonna be a Kool Rock-ski looking dude who ends up bustin Octo (no disrespect to Kool Rock-ski as he is one of my fave rappers of all time…he is just an example of a Disorderlie).   And while I’m on the subject of orderlies, and Disorderlies,…my boy Kevin hasn’t worked at the hospital or in health care for at least 10 years….AND HE IS STILL WEARING SCRUBS. WTF. Are they that comfortable? How you just going to be running around town rocking scrubs like you work at the hospital and you don’t’ even have a job most of the time? How you going to wear Scrubs up to regional clothing distribution plant where you work at? Crazy.

Peace to Diamond D for real….A true sample master:

If you’re someone who consciously decides to spend time out of your life exploring the ever entertaining world of RAP BEEF, then chances are you’ve heard of the recent situation between rapper Joe Budden (Jersey) and the city of Boston.  If not, I’ll give you a quick run down.  Ok, there was recently a concert at a popular Hiphop venue in Boston called The Middle East.  Joe Budden was the headliner for the night and there were several opening acts including Jaysaun of Special Teamz (Duck Down).  This particular event was put together and hosted by Special Teamz member & undisputed Hiphop embassador of Beantown,  Edo G (shouts to The Almighty RSO though).  What started off as a normal night of up & coming performaces turned a bit ugly when Budden decided to take to the stage earlier than scheduled.  His haste, according to him, was prompted by the fact the he felt most of the supporting acts were “making him look bad”. He then went on to express his dissappointment in the fact that the party was a “sausage fest” or “testicle festival” referring to the staggeringly outnumbered females in the crowd and demanded that all “niggaz” be ousted from the stage area by security before he begins…

Here’s a shitty video clip of Budden’s opening, courtesy of vladtv.com:
Joe Budden disses Boston MCs

Naturally, once the story touched down on the internet, facts were run with in every direction, stories were embellished and the virtual war began.  I got on the phone with Jaysaun just hours ago and let him tell it like he saw it from in front of and behind the scene.  Enjoy.

It’s happened to us all.  You’re minding your own biz, walking down the street, then out of nowhere you see him….the garbage ass cd slangin’ rapper with the stankin ass breath.  You know who I’m talking about…the super hip hop guy who hangs outside Fat Beats and tourist areas wearing overly hip hop gear and a cracked out smile.  He exists to prey on busters, which is commendable in some situations, but at the same time, he is one of the biggest problems in hip hop: true wackness.  It’s a proven fact that 99 out of 100 of these rappers are terrible and shouldn’t have ever touched a mic.  So, in true Spit Hate / The Ready Cee Show fashion, we’re gonna put you up on a little game and teach you how to deal with these guys.  Needless to say, this only applies to those of you who are interested in handling the situation in a semi-polite way as the flip side is just bustin a nigga dead in the jaw and skating.

First of all, do not make eye contact if you can avoid it. Ignoring the clown is probably your best bet.  Treat that fucka like a human AIDS virus and steer clear of the headache if you can.  Keep it moving and stride on by.

If you do happen to make eye contact, pretend you can’t hear them.  It would be great if you were on your phone, or have headphones, because it’s much easier to pretend that you can’t hear them when you’re preoccupied.  If you don’t have a prop to fall back on, pretend you don’t hear them anyway.  The borderline feeling of being a dick because you’re ignoring another human being  is ok as this doofus is trying to sell you a subpar product.  It’s ok.  Now, they will try to catch you with the classic line, “aye yo, do you like hip hop?” Duh, of course we like good hip hop, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.  Just tell em “no” or “I like country” and keep it moving.  This question is  such a trick question because any answer aside from “no” opens the door for dialogue.  DO NOT GET INTO DIALOGUE WITH A BITCH RAPPER!!

Absolutely, under no circumstances, do you allow the rapper to put the cd in your hand. They will do it so slick as if they’re just handing it out for free…but we, and you, know better.  It’s an ancient Chinese tape slangin’ secret to put a cd in the victim’s hand and make them hang around and listen to a garbage pitch.  Textbook.  It’s all negative from that point on.  Well, ok, the only positive that can come from having a cd placed in your hand is that you get to witness the crappy product being pushed on you….which can be very entertaining sometimes.  Bitch rappers have bad spelling, goofy artwork, and funny song names, but it’s not worth the interaction.  If you’re not holding the cd for the purpose of laughter, immediately give it back.  Remember, the longer you hold it, the more you’ll have to hear that the shit is hot, how they’re just trying to make it, and how much they’ll let it go for. Blah.

If you’re silly enough to be drawn in for a listen, please do yourself a favor and DO NOT LET THE RAPPER PUT THOSE LICE INFESTED HEADPHONES OF HIS ON YOUR HEAD. You may die if you put those headphones on..A)from disease and B) from the garbage music you’ll hear.  Just don’t do it.

If you feel sorry for the rapper and end up buying  a cd, please redeem yourself by throwing the cd back at the rapper.  Assault is a good thing in this case.  If you’re in a tourist area with police cameras and want to avoid trouble, throw the cd on the ground, and smash that shit like LL did in the “I’m Bad” video during the jelly bean line.  Really crush that shit into nothing and dip.

We’re not hating on good rappers, just these guys…but we are full of hate in general.  Fuck em.

A blue satin cape embroidered with Thy Name Is Godfather of Soul and rhinestone, sequence and metallic embellishments.  Estimated Price:  $15,000 – $20,000

So they’re going to really auction off some of James Brown’s stuff at Christie’s?  I guess he’s not using it anymore, but if there are unresolved conflicts between family, business managers, and trustees…they should definitely be resolved before the slanging begins.  Yes, as Dozanova put it, “Hip Hop died on Christmas Day 2006″, but the legend lives on in my mind…and hopefully in yours.  I don’t have the official Christie’s auction book yet, but I’ve looked at all of the items online.  To jack some descriptions from http://www.thestate.com/local/story/462001.html, this auction is amazing to say the least:

There are handwritten notes, signed contracts and the inmate inventory sheet listing the clothing and accessories that were taken when Brown went to prison in 1989 for aggravated assault and failure to stop for police.

Most items are expected to bring less than $1,000. But others, like the jumpsuit he wore in 1974 when he performed before the Ali-Foreman “Rumble in the Jungle” in Zaire, are expected to go for $5,000 or more.

A black cape embroidered with his name, Brown’s 1986 Grammy for “Living in America” and a Hammond B-3 electric organ have an estimated value of $15,000 to $20,000.

So here’s my plan.  My bank is WAMU and WAMU is about to go out of biz.  I’m going to get my dough out of that sinking ship and instead of depositing it somewhere else, investing it, or saving it….I’m going to buy a cape, jumpsuit, and a moog…and make shit funky.  If I had a JB jumpsuit…I would rock it everyday for the rest of my life.  RIP Godfather….a true legend.

Btw, this is a perfect segue into a brief point I want to make about dead rappers and producers who aren’t true legends.  Just because you made some hot beats or spit some verses and then died…doesn’t make you a legend.  So, no, I don’t get super emotional over dead rappers or producers.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  On the flip side, I respect life very much and am saddened by loss of it …but I understand that we all have to live and we all have to die.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some hardcore death lover as I always take time to reflect on what it means to be alive whenever I hear about someone passing….especially in hip hop.  Personally, I don’t expect anyone to give a damn about me when I’m gone (I do hope my friends to have a party and drink some hen though….haha).  Seriously, you clowns running around dropping RIP for these rappers you didn’t know is a weird hip hop phenomenon.  Why don’t you run around throwing RIP’s to people you know, loved ones, people close to you, and your family?  Or even the real legends who made shit possible (like James Brown, Hendrix, or Muddy Waters)….not some random catch phrase that you picked up.  Maybe you feel like you’re part of movement by doing that?  Maybe they really touched each and everyone of your lives…dunno…anything is possible I guess.  To each his own..don’t listen to me anyway cause I don’t know shit.  I do know one thing though…before I throw a shout to someone I don’t know, I’ve got a massive list of people who are gone that I’ve known and loved…and that’s all that will ever come out of my mouth.

Date/Time

Activity

Location

Details

Jul 15, 2008

5:54 PM

Delivered

5:30 PM

On FedEx vehicle for delivery

LOS ANGELES, CA

4:54 PM

At local FedEx facility

LOS ANGELES, CA

8:33 AM

On FedEx vehicle for delivery

LOS ANGELES, CA

Jul 14, 2008

5:35 PM

At local FedEx facility

LOS ANGELES, CA

10:34 AM

On FedEx vehicle for delivery

LOS ANGELES, CA

Jul 11, 2008

6:24 PM

At local FedEx facility

LOS ANGELES, CA

2:46 PM

Delivery exception

LOS ANGELES, CA

Customer not available or business closed

8:01 AM

On FedEx vehicle for delivery

LOS ANGELES, CA

6:59 AM

At local FedEx facility

LOS ANGELES, CA

5:58 AM

At dest sort facility

LOS ANGELES, CA

4:43 AM

Departed FedEx location

MEMPHIS, TN

2:33 AM

In transit

MEMPHIS, TN

1:24 AM

Arrived at FedEx location

MEMPHIS, TN

Jul 10, 2008

11:58 PM

Departed FedEx location

NEWARK, NJ

11:58 PM

Left FedEx origin facility

NEW YORK, NY

9:02 PM

Arrived at FedEx location

NEWARK, NJ

7:59 PM

Left FedEx origin facility

NEW YORK, NY

2:47 PM

Picked up

NEW YORK, NY

My story:

Without my knowledge of the shipping date, I was shipped a very important package via FedEx on Thursday, July 10^th. I missed the delivery of the package on Friday, July 11^th as I was out and didn’t know it was on the way. I usually try to be on the scene when something is being sent as things have been known to get stolen off the stoop. The delivery guy left a door ticket with a tag # for tracking. It says “1^st Attempt” and we will try again on Monday. Why isn’t this big ass company working on Saturday anyway?

Monday rolls around and I make sure I’m around the house all day as I know what the package is and it is very important package related to my business and ultimately my money. I wait around all day and the delivery guy never shows up so I call the customer service center to find out what’s going on. They apologize profusely, say they have no idea what happened, put me on hold to supposedly call the local manager, and then return to say that the local manager absolutely cannot have the package delivered Monday night. The customer service woman gives me the option of trooping downtown to pick it up from the delivery center. Fuck all that. Why should I waste my gas and sit in LA traffic because these fucks can’t bring me something when they say they’re going to bring it. I cut the duckhead some slack (and she was def a dumb clucker) and ask her what time it will be delivered in the morning. I get repeated “3 pm Sir”. That package should’ve been the first thing delivered on Tuesday morning as for some reason unknown to them it wasn’t delivered on Monday. I accept 3 pm as the only other choice was to go downtown.

3 pm rolls around on Tuesday. No package. 4 pm….No package. Around 4:30, I give the customer service center a call on the 800 number. This time I get a customer service man. I explain the problem, he looks it up and says, “Uh oh…looks like the same problem that happened yesterday happened today….it was placed on the wrong truck”. How can you put shit on the wrong truck with all this space age tracking you’re supposed to be using? How the fuck can you put the shit on any truck 2 days in a row and bring it back to the station without a delivery attempt…especially when it has the correct addy on the shipping label? He goes on, “Sir, I have placed a notice to have this package put on the correct truck and delivered to you tomorrow at 3 pm. Nah son, fuck that shit and fuck your notice. I guarantee that you might catch me once with that bullshit but not a second time. The guy wasn’t argumentative, but he was matter of fact about telling me over and over, “There is no way your package will be delivered tonight. It just isn’t possible. I’m sorry for the inconvenience”. I was on some, “look guy, I’m not going to stop until my package is delivered tonight so what is your escalation procedure”. “There really is none sir, can you please hold?” How can there not be an escalation process for a big ass corporation? I’m waiting for him to get back so I can yell “put your supervisor on the line, write somebody up, fire a trick…I don’t give a fuck…I just want my package.” He comes back and offers to transfer me to the local manager in LA as my only option. I took that option as an escalation…better than dealing with his dumb ass all night. I can always call back and blast customer service if I have to. I’ve got a big ass bottle of Makers Mark and unlimited minutes bitches.

Ten minutes later I get transferred to the local FedEx manager in LA. I believe her name was Shareen. I was ready to go to war at this point, but she got on the line and handled business immediately and professionally. After recognizing that package should’ve been there on Monday and offering a sincere apology, she assigned a courier to have the package in my hands in the next hour and half. The package arrives without incident. About time. Big ups to Shareen the night manager!

Btw, the package clearly has the box checked on it for “No Signature Required” so this thing should’ve been left on the stoop in the first place. The data cds inside of the package all had their cases cracked and the plastic center that holds the cd was broken into bits. Fuck FedEx. I hope your fleet crashes and burns.

Moral of the story: FedEx is a bitch ass service and 2 out of the 3 people I spoke to were complete morons. You may be better off sending your shit via carrier pigeon.

“Do you know, after all that, all I received was a pat on the back.” —-UTFO – Roxanne, Roxanne

Paranorm’s offiicial court sketch. Includes a blind jury, too black too strong plaintiff team, a fair and partial judge, and a lying ass defense team

My friend was brutally assaulted by the LAPD in 2005. The police department initially tried to hang him on crazy made up criminal charges…until the videotape of the incident surfaced. Immediately, all charges were dropped. The tables were turned and the LAPD police brutality that runs wild in the street was then put on trial in federal civil court. I’ve seen the tapes and I attended the trial. The eight jurors in the trial returned a verdict in favor of the LAPD. Stevie Wonder could see that something is wrong with the verdict in this case. Justice was not served.